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Why Superheroes and Alcohol Don’t Mix

3. The Intoxicator 

the intoxicator

High school valedictorian Elwood Johns was having his first expedition out of the realm of education and into the magical world of beer when he and his dorm-mates were caught in an explosion of science in Seth Green and Hugh Sterbakov’s Freshmen. The science in question, the experimental Ax-Cell-Erator, granted Elwood and his coed compatriots powers that hinged on whatever was on their minds at that point in time. So the homely lonely girl gained the ability to make others fall in love with her, the short-stacked guy grew a “third leg,” and Elwood, wanting to get wasted for the first time, gained the ability to share his buzz.

As The Intoxicator, Elwood can inebriate others with superhuman burps, varying from Wine Cooler chill to “Jack Daniels is my life partner” blackout, with hangovers thrown in for good measure. The only catch however is that the potency of these burps is dependent on Elwood’s current BAC. This is the double-edged sword of obscure powers, as the only way for Elwood to incapacitate others is to first be incapacitated. Want to make the mad titan Thanos piss his pants and drunk-dial Death? You’re going to have to be a trendsetter and down enough Trader Joe’s Merlot to soil yourself first. Need that marauding band of mercenaries to be tempted to turn their own guns on themselves to escape a hangover so abominable that it makes them question their faith? Well you’re going to have to pry yourself away from the porcelain idol and avoid Aleve because your very life depends on you being as hungover as you can. Instead of living up to his personal hero Einstein and following his dreams of working for NASA, Elwood is forced to instead follow Bluto, ditching textbooks for forties in order to become a walking blackout.

Though drinking day after day to produce these abilities sounds like heaven, or college, ask yourself if you have ever said the following words: “I am never drinking again.” Elwood says that to himself every night, every morning, every post mission report. Only difference is, if he actually gives himself time to recuperate and stop drinking, his community and friends suffer. The further off the wagon Elwood gets, the harder his enemies will fall. So like any true hero, thinking selflessly of others, Elwood sacrifices his liver and GPA for the sake of humanity. Additionally, Elwood gets so blackout that even if he encounters someone immune to his intoxication, like Bacchus or hyper-powered frat boys, Elwood is so smashed already that he couldn’t feel a thing, other than nausea of course. In the case of The Intoxicator, superheroes and alcohol not only mix, but they are wholly dependent on one another. Technically, if it weren’t even for that initial bottle of beer, Elwood would have no (inebriation-based) powers at all! With alcohol being both the cause of and solution of The Intoxicator’s superhuman problems, one has to ask who is the real hero? Elwood? Or alcohol?

About the author

Chris Davidson